1. When they do manage to stumble into your doors, don’t talk to them. Really, I promise, it’s that easy.
2. Alternatively, if you find it too hard to ignore them, take the opposite approach and hunt them down after they leave to shower unwanted attention and gifts on them (works every time: no one likes a stalker, even a church stalker).
3. Keep doing everything the way you’ve always done it.
4. Fight – a lot – often and loud is best.
5. Refuse to show them the secret hand shake (all churches have them, usually called ‘the way we do things here’).
6. Lock the doors. Some churches overlook this one, it’s so obvious.
7. Treat it like a secret society so it comes as a surprise to friends and neighbors when you die that there’s even a church there or that you belong to it.
BONUS METHOD: [100% guaranteed success rate] Act like a jack-ass Monday through Saturday.