Let's [not] agree to disagree

When we’ve set a lunch date looking forward to laughter, good conversation and fine repast over the table, the struggle to find common ground for our palates, our preferences, never results in abandon of the plan [of agreeing to disagree], each heading off to our own favorite restaurant because somehow the choice has become more important than the time together.  Or maybe it does.  Urban Dictionary Definition 4

Agreeing to disagree – how I hate the concept:  it reeks to me of surrender, of failure, dismissal, entrenchment, missing the point as well as the boat.

Case closed; conversation over; pronouncement had; you win; I lose; final word seized, snatched from the air between us in mid exchange.  Exhibit A: the origin of the phrase – wouldn’t you know?    Wikipedia  -- John Wesley’s sermon about colleague George Whitefield at Whitefield’s funeral –way to go with that last word about a dead guy, John:  "There are many doctrines of a less essential nature ... In these we may think and let think; we may 'agree to disagree.' But, meantime, let us hold fast the essentials..."  Wesley's Eulogy of Whitefield

Let’s just agree to disagree.  Translation:  I’d rather talk to someone else than you about this –  someone who agrees with me.  It’s just easier to talk about rather than to.  Alternate translation:  if you don’t shut up, I’m going to have to hit you.

The nice, the good, the kind, the well-bred*, the appreciaters of the cost of conflict, the oilers of social congress, would cry out at my injustice – sometimes you just can’t agree, but that shouldn’t be the end of the friendship.  True.  But isn’t agreeing to disagree a rather lazy form of friendship, one in which only either my agreement or my silence can assure our continued relationship?

And that’s the heart of it for me: I will never insist on your silence as the price of our friendship.  And I’m not agreeing to anything as the necessary precursor to you in my life, save you in my life.

Isn’t it lazy to say let’s agree to disagree rather than Help me understand?  Or I don't want this to change my opinion of who you are?  Or explain to me why you feel that way – I really want to understand?  Or can we talk about this another time?  Or . . . or . . . or . . . a million other responses that reflect the value of the person by the value placed on what the person thinks, feels and believes, rather than the walk away from the hard work of listening, understanding and resolving?

So let us not agree to disagree.  Rather, let us agree when we can, disagree when we must, surrender even when it's costly, listen rather than speak, hear rather than assume.  Let's do the hard work and be friends.


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*Sorry Mom - you tried your best