Let's [not] agree to disagree

When we’ve set a lunch date looking forward to laughter, good conversation and fine repast over the table, the struggle to find common ground for our palates, our preferences, never results in abandon of the plan [of agreeing to disagree], each heading off to our own favorite restaurant because somehow the choice has become more important than the time together.  Or maybe it does.  Urban Dictionary Definition 4

Agreeing to disagree – how I hate the concept:  it reeks to me of surrender, of failure, dismissal, entrenchment, missing the point as well as the boat.

Case closed; conversation over; pronouncement had; you win; I lose; final word seized, snatched from the air between us in mid exchange.  Exhibit A: the origin of the phrase – wouldn’t you know?    Wikipedia  -- John Wesley’s sermon about colleague George Whitefield at Whitefield’s funeral –way to go with that last word about a dead guy, John:  "There are many doctrines of a less essential nature ... In these we may think and let think; we may 'agree to disagree.' But, meantime, let us hold fast the essentials..."  Wesley's Eulogy of Whitefield

Let’s just agree to disagree.  Translation:  I’d rather talk to someone else than you about this –  someone who agrees with me.  It’s just easier to talk about rather than to.  Alternate translation:  if you don’t shut up, I’m going to have to hit you.

The nice, the good, the kind, the well-bred*, the appreciaters of the cost of conflict, the oilers of social congress, would cry out at my injustice – sometimes you just can’t agree, but that shouldn’t be the end of the friendship.  True.  But isn’t agreeing to disagree a rather lazy form of friendship, one in which only either my agreement or my silence can assure our continued relationship?

And that’s the heart of it for me: I will never insist on your silence as the price of our friendship.  And I’m not agreeing to anything as the necessary precursor to you in my life, save you in my life.

Isn’t it lazy to say let’s agree to disagree rather than Help me understand?  Or I don't want this to change my opinion of who you are?  Or explain to me why you feel that way – I really want to understand?  Or can we talk about this another time?  Or . . . or . . . or . . . a million other responses that reflect the value of the person by the value placed on what the person thinks, feels and believes, rather than the walk away from the hard work of listening, understanding and resolving?

So let us not agree to disagree.  Rather, let us agree when we can, disagree when we must, surrender even when it's costly, listen rather than speak, hear rather than assume.  Let's do the hard work and be friends.


_____________
*Sorry Mom - you tried your best

To Be a Good Leader, You Have to be a Good Follower (We’re All Following Somebody!)

Sermon Archive Cliff Notes from the eve of national elections of November 2008 
Readings from Matthew 23.1-12 & 1 Thessalonians 2.1-13
          Jesus calls the Pharisees hypocrites.  The word ‘hypocrite’ comes from the Greek word hupokrisis, meaning the ‘acting of a theatrical part’.  In other words, a hypocrite, someone we understand to pretend to have higher standards or beliefs than they really do, is an actor, someone who is pretending, someone who is wearing a mask.
          Now we’ve talked before about the masks we wear – but then we were thinking about the masks we put on to hide our sorrows from the world . . . now that is pretending, but it’s a different kind of pretending than we’re hearing about today.
          When I put on my mask to pretend I’m okay, I’m not humbling myself enough to believe that you might really care about me.  But the mask Jesus refers to is the one I put on to hide that I really don’t care about you.  The first is the mask of the follower; the second, the mask of the leader.  It is to the leader in all of us that these texts speak.
               This week, all over the country, candidates of one side will pack their bags and go home when the other side steps into the victor’s seat.  The keys to the earthly ‘kingdom’ will be passed along.  And life will go on.
          But if we follow our usual pattern, the ink won’t be dry on the page before we’re crying foul or criticizing the new leaders, before they’ve even gotten the chair warm.
          Before we get too righteous in our indignation, let us remember that we too are leaders, that we too are setting an example, that we too are called to be in the burden sharing as well as the burden bearing business of life . . .
          Husbands and wives, sons and daughters, grandchildren, family and friends, younger sisters and brothers, neighbors and strangers,  all are led by you . . .
          What Paul understood, what is central to his message to the Thessalonians, is that how you lead is determined by whom you follow . . . and we all follow someone or something . . .
          So like Paul, remember always that God is your leader . . .
          The word ‘cynical’ is defined as believing the worst about human beings and their nature.  There is no room for the cynical in the kingdom . . . and cynicism, like a disease, is contagious . . .
          So here’s a challenge particularly suited to this time in our nation . . . drop the cynicism . . . try believing the best rather than the worst about the candidates . . . all of them . . .
          Pray the best for all of them . . .
          And who knows, maybe, just maybe, they will become the leaders we need.
          But the real miracle is that maybe, just maybe, we will become the leaders we’ve been  looking for . .


CHARGE:
                 On this eve of elections, I charge you in the words of John Wesley, the founder of the Methodist tradition, "Though we cannot think alike, may we not love alike? May we not be of one heart, though we are not of one opinion? Without all doubt, we may. Herein all the children of God may unite, notwithstanding these smaller differences”.