14 Things I Want to Tell Folks About to Be Married

I'm performing a marriage ceremony this afternoon.  The weather doesn't look promising for the planned outdoor event, but no worries, we have a back-up plan.  But these days of such promise always get me to thinking about what makes a marriage work.  We hear so often about the failures.  But there are many success stories out there as well.  

Here, then, are some of the things I hope people entering into the grand adventure of marriage know, take on board and keep:

1. No, I cannot tell whether you will succeed or fail as a couple.  Chance are neither can you.  The  

one thing that seems to mark the difference is that both people are people who keep commitments, for the fact is that there will be days when it’s easy to stay together, but there will be just as many when it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do.  Sometimes the promise is the only thing that holds.*

2. There are three rings rather than two.  Visualizing the covenant aspect of marriage, where God is the other party to the compact, friend Jim White pointed yesterday to three wagon wheels fused together as his vision of marriage – there are three rings, not two, he observed.  Jim’s right.  God is in the mix.  Always.  Forgetting that is costly.

3. Be sure you like each other.  Love and desire are fine things.  But if you do not, cannot, like the person, you cannot, you will not, last.

4. Matching values matter.  You don’t have to be identical.  You can even be very different.  But your values, the core things you hold dear, should match.  It’s a pretty painful life to spend with someone who thinks what you hold dear or sacred even is silly, foolish, unimportant or something to be daily trounced.

5. You can’t cure each other.  If there are blindingly obvious problems, they will not get better.  They will, in fact, get worse.  Neither of you are the cure for the other.  Marriage is not a hospital.  

6. Don’t forget to dance – often.  Have fun together.  Laugh together.  Dance together.

7. Don’t make the other person your ‘half’ of anything.  If you are not already whole, they cannot, contrary to Jerry Maguire, complete you.  It isn’t their job, it isn’t within their ability and it’s a recipe for disaster to expect.

8. Your failures are no one else’s fault.  Never blame each other for what you have done or failed to do.  Regardless of circumstances or context, your choices are just that: yours.  Own them.

9. Words matter.  Use them wisely, lovingly, judiciously, always.  Ditto for refraining from using them.  Keeping silent is the best option when all you’ve got to say is hurtful.

10. Money doesn’t.  Unless you let it.  Fights about money are always about something else:  power, control, security, felt needs, fear.  Respect, mutuality, shared values, these are what you’re really searching for when you fight about money.

11. Only God can be your god.  No one person can fulfill all your expectations, desires, wishes, needs.  So have other friends.  And do not make of your spouse an idol, for he or she will surely disappoint if you do.

12. Trust is something given as well as something earned.  Actually, trust is more about grace than it is about merit.  We trust not because someone is trustworthy.  We trust because we are trusting.  If there is no trust, if there is jealousy, insecurity, questioning of every motive, every action, there is no trust.  And the absence of trust is a killer of any relationship, especially a marriage.

13. Believe, desire and work for the best for your mate as well as for yourself.  Always.

14.  Forgive often.





___________________
*I am speaking here not of abusive or extreme situations, but of ordinary marriages with ordinary challenges.  For even then, living side-by-side with the same person, year in and year out, is hard.  Really hard.

Crying Stones

We are the pillow for Jacob’s head . . . the makings of an altar . . . a cairn, a marker of something important happening here . . .the first writing surface . . . we are for beauty and adornment . . . and we are the very bearer of the commands of God to your kind . . . we are something that lasts . . . for a very, very, long time . . .

You use us . . . as a weapon to do each other harm . . . the first hunting tool . . . as a gift . . . yet we slow you down and keep you from planting food where you want to plant it instead of where it just grows . . . you use us . . . to mark boundaries between you and your neighbors . . . we provide an anchor for the roots of the trees . . .

Heated, we are the means of removing sin from your very lips . . . have you forgotten?

We were the roadway for your feet in the Garden of Eden . . . we stand in silence as witness to your injustices . . . we are the raw material from which the children of Abraham are made. . .

You use us . . . as a means of public execution . . . a way to measure distance based on the strength of your throwing arm . . . for the building blocks for your dwellings and places of worship . . .

We are that which will cry out the glory of God if you do not . . .

We are the witnesses of all that has ever been and all that will ever be . . . here before you and surely here long after you . . .

We, the crying stones, are the stuff of the very earth itself . . . if you keep silent . . . we will cry out . . . the earth will tremble with our groanings . . . and the whole earth shall know its God . . .

You are in covenant with us and we with you . . . and here is our promise to you . . . if you do not cry out . . . in love for the God who died for you . . . in sorrow that he would have to . . . in joy that he would . . . if you do not cry out at the injustice which would seek to keep our God fastened to a tree . . . if you do not cry out when crying out is called for . . . if you do not . . . we will . . .