Things I Want to Remember

I listen to Nick Cave . . .  I believe in love . . . and behold the greening outside and I am overcome with a love and beauty that moves me to tears . . .

Last night, a friend tells me she’s watching a rainbow and I keep running outside and doing a 360 scan of the evening sky, all to no avail, for the rainbow does not settle where I can see . . . yet the sky and the clouds, the cattle settling in, dogs barking in the distance, houses fading into evening – all fill me with quietude as I turn back in for the night, richer for the rainbow I did not see . . .

A man sits at my table and tells me about the day he met his wife, unshed tears glistening in his eyes like memories too precious to lose to time . . . or loss . . .

Sidney the cat moseys over to the small square of sunlight on the Turkish rug and snuggles in to its warmth . . .

I study a picture of my grandson, caught in mid-stride, mid-smile, at a moment where I was not there and can only enjoy from this distance of time and memory, the boy he is mingling with the baby and tree-hugging toddler he was, so many firsts still before him . . .

I listen again to the Good Friday soundtrack* I created for the service and am again moved by the voices of others in ways my soul understands but my words cannot describe . . .

The tulips do their spring surprise – yesterday’s limp-melted sun-infused petals revitalized to attention by the cool evening air, looking, for a moment in time, like the youngsters they were just a day or so ago . . . back then when they had more life ahead than behind . . .

Nothing special, nothing earth-moving or history making, perhaps, but these, the moments, are the things I want to preserve, to remember, to call to mind in a cool spring day when such moments reach out and touch my heart and warm the room just a bit . . .


_______________
*This year’s Good Friday soundtrack:  Stay With Me, Taize Community.  Dust in the Wind, Kansas.  Ride, Nick Drake.  After the Storm, Mumford and Sons.  21 Guns, Green Day.  Anthem, Leonard Cohen.  Stand by Me, Sam Cooke.  Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood, Nina Simone.  The Far Road, Nick Cave & Warren Ellis.

Saturday Follows Friday

It is a Friday . . .

It begins at 6 o’clock in the morning
for even frolicking Roman procurators
rise early when there is killing work to be done.

“Have you no answer?”
Silence

Pilate consults the crowd.
It is a joke between them, this consulting.
“What would you have me do with this man?”
“Crucify him!”
The man utters not a word.

Roman soldiers process him
with his thorned crown and purple cloak
hailing him king in cruel sarcasm,
and still he does not speak

they hit him on the head – more playful –
in the way of monsters –
than really hurtful
and they spit
and kneel to their prisoner king
And still he makes no sound.

They walk him to his own death
making him carry the burden of
his own electric chair –
a wooden cross
When it gets too heavy for his beaten back
a man is plucked from the
crowd to bear it for him
and we can imagine Simon trying
to strike up conversation
that he might tell his friends
and loved ones about it later

And still he says nothing

It is 9 o’clock in the morning
the day is turning to its brightness
and away from the dawning mists –
like the Galilee days of youth
and the Nazareth days of childhood
but not like them
for this is the day that will not pass him over
this is the day when the blood on his own
doorpost will not save him.

and within the vast silence that inhabits
his own soul,
he says . . . he thinks . . . nothing

***

It is 9 o’clock in the morning
when they arrive at the Skull place

we can imagine the bird-picked bone-white bones
scattered like shining jewels all round,
some sticking up from the ground –
sign posts pointing to the sure destination
for those unfortunate enough to take their
rest there

And the cruel words of pseudo-hospitality
“Here.  Have some of this.”  The cup of
wine mixed with myrrh
a sedative to ease the passing begs the question:
can there ever be kindness
from the executioner’s hand?

Whate’re the motive,
he refuses
mouth shut
no sound

If there be kindness in
your heart, executioner,
you’ll get no credit for it here
There is no sop for your conscience
in the sop you seek to give a dying man
who would live but for your hand –
that pain, friend, you will have to bear alone
in the silent places of your own heart.

As he hangs dying
the representatives of the state sit unnoticing below
gambling for the privilege of his few clothes
while kind he makes no noise to disturb
them at their gaming

Passers by taunt and jeer
“temple-destroyer-rebuilder boy,
save yourself!  Jump down”
and even the ones who should know better
cannot contain their contagious cruelty
as the bitter herbs of their own mouths
pour forth venom for the one cheeky enough
to die in front of them . . .
“How about a saving miracle now?”
“How about a healing now?”
The schoolyard bullies have been loosed
and even those dying beside him taunt and jeer
as if their crosses were somehow higher, better,
than his, as if his dying made theirs less bad.

He?
He received their words
into his own great silence
and still and yet, he said nothing,
thought . . . nothing.

***
It is noon
and this day
it is darkening time
as the shroud pall
of dying death
is pulled over the land
maybe this is his word?
No – silent he remains
as darkness claims
the frightened and the frightening
and still and yet he says nothing.

***

It is 3 o’clock in the afternoon
and the darkness ebbs away
like smoke from the chimneys
curling its way heavenward
leaving behind a light less bright
less sure of itself, its place, in the midday world

It is 3 o’clock when he breaks his fast of silence
Eloi . . . Eloi . . . my God . . . my God . . . 
Lema?
Why?
Lema sabachthani?  
Lema sabachthani?
Lema sabachthani?
Why have you forsaken me?

He calls for his God
Daddy, where are you?
Come get me, Dad.
I’m in trouble Pop.
Father, I need you.
Help me!

He calls to his father, his God –
they hear Elijah
even now they cannot understand him
even now his words are mysterious to their ears
even now they confuse life for death, death for life

putting the proverbial mirror
under his nose to see if he still lives
they rush to place a sponge of drink before him –
if he lives, surely he will drink
they poke sponge sticks at his mouth
as he cries his death rattling cry
and breathes no more

and something,
something
about the way he dies
the way he cries
the way he looks
the way he sighs
moves the battle-hardened
centurion to see not a dead
carcass but a son . . .
The Son?

But he did not know him
not really
did not love him
for no one who loved him
could have so quickly relegated
him to the past
speak of what he was
instead of who he is
no, for those who love,
that takes days, weeks, months, years –
this moving of a dear one from present to past
from prologue
to postscript

no, the ones who loved him
merely stood – silent – witness
offering the solace of presence
knowing it was not enough –
it never is, is it?  This death bed
vigiling we do – it is never enough,
but it is all we have – and they gave it to him
their silence joined to his
providing for him in his dying as they had in his living
and the irony of killing the kind
lies with silence in the place with no need of words
continues as only those not allowed to speak are given witness
it is the women who stand with him at the end
those of no standing in any court, public or private,
are left to watch the unfolding
never to be allowed to tell
to anyone but each other

but One Lover was not silent
sending a single sound into the cosmos
the sound of a curtain torn, rent,
from top to bottom
the sound of God’s own broken heart
flooding the world with its grief
and moving on to further reaches
no earth-small planet could contain
and the sound – that sound – the sound of tearing
echoes down the universe’s halls even now
stopping in the time of butterflies and babies and revolutions
to caress with the clawing tearing brokenness of a mother’s heart
that will not be comforted for a child who is no more

If God will hear our broken cries
of pain and loss beyond bearing,
who will hear God’s?
Who will take on God’s pain
and in the taking, lessen it?

***

It is 6 o’clock in the evening
it’s nighttime, really, for those who
work with their hands and live by
the sweat of their brow
sundowning time – the beginning of sacred rest

more words now . . . the words of the business of burial
every death has them – from friends and lovers or strangers
for something must be done with the body
and so it was with him, Our Silent One

we can imagine the women going to one who can help
one with standing with the powers-that-be
a fixer

and so the fixer goes to the Procurator
and utters the placating words of asking . . .
“Not too much trouble, surely?
Gesture of kindness appreciated . . .
perhaps a gift to grease the skids?”

And he, holder of power of life and death
the keys of empire securely in his hands,
his delicate palms no nails will ever pierce
marvels not at his own deed
not at the vagaries and cruelties and whims
that make him thus and the other so
nay – he wonders that the one he sent
died so fast – “dead already?”

That then, is the epitaph for The One
The One who lived among us for a time
and showed us another Way . . .

Dead already
dead already
dead already

and he . .
And all . . .
Is silence

***

It is Saturday
and nothing happens
nothing we can see
or hear
for the bowels of hell
are silent to our ears
their groanings beyond
our imaginings
if there be such place
that he be there is
beyond reckoning
and it cannot
it will not
be endured

will this day
never end?

and the silence
of a rent
bent
universe
goes on

Pilate's Hands

In Deuteronomy 21, the Lord sets forth the way in which an unsolved murder shall be handled: the elders of the nearest town to the body are to wash their hands over an animal sacrifice, and then shall declare, “Our hands did not shed this blood, nor were we witnesses to it.  Absolve, O Lord, your people Israel, whom you redeemed; do not let the guilt of innocent blood remain in the midst of your people Israel.”

Only then, only after they had spoken truthfully of their innocence and prayed, would they be absolved of the ‘guilt of innocent blood’.

The reason for God’s concern: the people must do what is right in the sight of the Lord.

Like the people of Israel with an unsolved murder on their hands, Pilate seeks to absolve himself of all guilt in the murder of Jesus by washing his hands.

What Pilate fails to grasp, or perhaps hopes that we will overlook, is that the washing means nothing if there is actual guilt.

What is even more extraordinary in the story, however, is the reaction of the crowd, people familiar with Deuteronomy: let his blood be on us and on our children!  

It is no wonder that after Jesus cried out from the cross and died, the earth shook and the temple veil was torn in two – from the time of Cain’s murder of his brother Abel, God’s wrath and God’s sorrow are the divine responses to the slaying of the innocent.

Perhaps Pilate and the crowd challenge us to examine our own lives, our own times, to see where the blood of the innocent stains our own hands.

Friday Silence

Friday Silence


It begins at 6 o’clock in the morning
for even frolicking Roman procurators
rise early when there is killing work to be done.

“Are you the king of the Jews?”
“You say so.”
“Have you no answer [to the charges against you]?”
His answer – silence

Pilate consults the crowd.
It is a joke between them, this consulting.
“What would you have me do with this man?”
“Crucify him!”
Barabbas we can imagine working the crowd,
but this man utters not a word.

Roman soldiers process him with his thorned crown and purple cloak
hailing him in cruel sarcasm, ‘king of the Jews’
and still he does not speak

they hit him on the head – more playful –
in the way of monsters –
than really hurtful
and they spit
and kneel to their prisoner king
And still he makes no sound.

They walk him to his own death
making him carry the burden of
his own electric chair –
a wooden cross
When it gets too heavy for his beaten back
a man named Simon is plucked from the
crowd to bear it for him
and we can imagine Simon trying to strike up conversation
that he might tell his friends and loved ones about it later

And still he says nothing

It is 9 o’clock in the morning
the day is turning to its brightness
and away from the dawning mists –
like the Galilee days of youth
and the Nazareth days of childhood
but not like them
for this is the day that will not pass him over
this is the day when the blood on his own
doorpost will not save him.

and within the vast silence that inhabits
his own soul, he says . . . he thinks . . . nothing

***
It is 9 o’clock in the morning
when they arrive at the Skull place

we can imagine the bird-picked bone-white bones
scattered like shining jewels all round,
some sticking up from the ground –
sign posts pointing to the sure destination
for those unfortunate enough to take their
rest there

And the cruel words of pseudo-hospitality
“Here.  Have some of this.”  The cup of
wine mixed with myrrh
a sedative to ease the passing begs the question:
can there ever be kindness from the executioner’s hand?

Whate’re the motive,
he refuses
mouth shut
no sound

If there be kindness in
your heart, executioner
you’ll get no credit for it here
There is no sop for your conscience
in the sop you seek to give a dying man
who would live but for your hand –
that pain, friend, you will have to bear alone
in the silent places of your own heart.

As he hangs dying
the representatives of the state sit unnoticing below
gambling for the privilege of his few clothes
while kind he makes no noise to disturb
them at their gaming

Passers by taunt and jeer
“temple-destroyer-rebuilder boy,
save yourself!  Jump down from that cross”
and even the ones who should know better
cannot contain their contagious cruelty
as the bitter herbs of their own mouths
pour forth venom for the one cheeky enough
to die in front of them . . .
“How about a saving miracle now?”
“Healed, did you?  How about a healing now?”
The schoolyard bullies have been loosed
and even those dying beside him taunt and jeer
as if their crosses were somehow higher, better,
than his, as if his dying made their less bad.

He?  He received their words into his own great silence
and still and yet, he said nothing,
thought . . . nothing.

***

It is noon
and this day
it is darkening time
as the shroud pall
of dying death
is pulled over the land
maybe this is his word?
No – silent he remains
as darkness claims
the frightened and the frightening
and still and yet he says nothing.

***

It is 3 o’clock in the afternoon
and the darkness ebbs away
like smoke from the chimneys
curling its way heavenward
leaving behind a light less bright
less sure of itself, its place in the midday world

It is 3 o’clock when he breaks his fast of silence
Eloi . . . Eloi . . . my God . . . my God . . .
Lema?
Why?
Lema sabachthani?
Lema sabachthani?
Lema sabachthani?
Why have you forsaken me?

He calls for his God
Daddy, where are you?
Come get me, Dad.
I’m in trouble Pop.
Father, I need you.
Help me!

He calls to his father, his God –
they hear Elijah
even now they cannot understand him
even now his words are mysterious to their ears
even now they confuse life for death, death for life

putting the proverbial mirror under his nose to see if he still lives
they rush to place a sponge of drink before him –
if he lives, surely he will drink
they poke sponge sticks at his mouth
as he cries his death rattling cry
and breathes no more

and something,
something
about the way he dies
the way he cries
the way he looks
the way he sighs
moves the battle-hardened
centurion to see not a dead
carcass but a son . . .
The Son?

But he did not know him
not really
did not love him
for no one who loved him
could have so quickly relegated
him to the past
speak of what he was
instead of what he is
no, for those who love,
that takes days, weeks, months, years –
this moving of a dear one from present to past
from prologue
to postscript

no, the ones who loved him
merely stood – silent – witness
offering the solace of presence
knowing it was not enough –
it never is, is it?  This death bed
vigiling we do – no, it is never enough,
but it is all we have – and they gave it to him
their silence joined to his
providing for him in his dying as they had in his living
and the irony of killing the kind
of greeting lies with silence in the place with no need of words
continues as only those not allowed to speak are given witness
it is the women who stand with him at the end
those of no standing in any court, public or private
are left to watch the unfolding
never to be allowed to tell
to anyone but each other

but One Lover was not silent
sending a single sound into the cosmos
the sound of a curtain torn, rent,
from top to bottom
the sound of God’s own broken heart
flooding the world with its grief
and moving on to further reaches
no earth-small planet could contain
and the sound – that sound – the sound of tearing
echoes down the universe’s halls even now
stopping in the time of butterflies and babies and revolutions
to caress with the clawing tearing brokenness of a mother’s heart
that will not be comforted for a child who is no more

If God will hear our broken cries of pain and loss beyond bearing,
who will hear God’s?  Who will take on God’s pain and in the taking, lessen it?

***
It is 6 o’clock in the evening
it’s nighttime, really, for those who
work with their hands and live by
the sweat of their brow
sundowning time – the beginning of sacred rest

more words now . . . the words of the business of burial
every death has them – from friends and lovers or strangers
for something must be done with the body
and so it was with him, Our Silent One

we can imagine the women going to one who can help
one with standing with the powers-that-be
a fixer

and so the fixer goes to the Procurator
and utters the placating words of asking . . .
“Not too much trouble, surely?
Gesture of kindness appreciated . . .
perhaps a gift to grease the skids?”

And he, holder of power of life and death
the keys of empire securely in his hands,
his delicate palms no nails will ever pierce
marvels not at his own deed
not at the vagaries and cruelties and whims
that make him thus and the other so
nay – he wonders that the one he sent
died so fast – “dead already?”

That then, is the epitaph for The One
The One who lived among us for a time
and showed us another Way . . .

Dead already
dead already
dead already

and he . .
And all . . .
Is silence

***

We Dare to Call This Friday Good

T. S. Eliot wrote about this day:

The dripping blood our only drink,

The bloody flesh our only food:

In spite of which we like to think

That we are sound, substantial flesh and blood –

Again, in spite of that, we call this Friday good.

A body . . . . . never treated so lovingly in life . . . save in a mother’s arms . . . 

A body alive subjected to torture and such contempt . . . 

gently, even delicately taken down . . .  

A body gentled in death

That was so cruelly treated in life.

A man . . . . . feared to be known in life . . . shunned . . . met only in secret . . . 

Openly, even proudly claimed in death.

A life of poverty

A death of extravagence . . .

 new tomb . . . 

Lavish, excessive burial spices . . . 

How anxious they were . . . we are . . . I am . . . 

to do . . . something 

when there is nothing to be done

There is a time to weep and a time to laugh

a time to mourn and a time to dance

Temptation is ever before us 

to duck the choice

Busy . . . busy we must be . . . 

busy with the business, the busy-ness

of tending dead

He is past caring

but we cannot care . . . we do not dare –

grief large enough to split the earth in two

is too large for this human vessel

But busy . . . that I can do . . . 

I can be

busy getting the tomb 

the best – only the best will do

Busy tending to the body

busy is not too big for me

And there is no room for grief in this

busy-ness of the business of death

The grief, you see, is just too big for me

So on with the busy-ness of the business of it all . . . 

Busyness of thought and mind 

even when the body dares cry out for rest . . . 

Even then I am busy . . . busy remembering . . . a day

was it only yesterday?

A meal with friends . . . 

conversation laden with meaning . . . 

The matzah . . . my body, he said . . . 

Broken

Wine

like blood

poured out

He said

Symbols within symbols 

confusions

time not yet passed

events not yet happened

Remembering

and trying to make sense

of the senseless

But if understanding . . . then what?

No grief?

No grief!  It is too big for me!

Groping for words . . . 

I rest in the poets and greater beings

and

I grieve

It is too big for me . . . this grief

But it must be done

And so . . . sigh and surrender . . . 

It is a time to mourn . . . 

The tomb will wait

Sabbath is coming

Poets be damned!

I am not the child of a lesser god!

My God is as big as the pain in my heart

and it . . . is . . . endless . . . 

And so, Mr. Eliot, yes, thank you very much, 

we do dare call this Friday Good.

And so it is

not ice cream and cotton candy good

not falling in love for the first time good

not last-minute governor’s reprieve and presidential pardon good

but suffering fit to the occasion good

12 step bull shit but true feel-the-feeling, 

knowing I won’t die from the pain good

clinging to a whispered half-heard hardly understood promise good

Good-day-for-a-funeral good

Yes, Mr. Eliot, when friends die

it is right . . .

no . . . 

It is good . . . to cry