Tuesday, March 18, 2014

The Next Telemarketer Who Calls Me (Be Warned)

Disjunct in real time
Telephone marketer: “How are you today?”
Me: “Well, I’m not fine.  I’ve got a cold”
Telephone marketer: “Great”

My dog died
My pony ran away with the mailman
I’ve got snow up to my roof
I lost my job
My husband you want to sell that credit card to is in heaven

It just makes you wonder, doesn’t it?
When did the art of listening disappear?

When did my inability to speak,
     the deep hard chest cough that keeps me awake at night
     the achey soreness of the common cold
     become great news for you?

I really am curious to know
     does a cold make me more susceptible to your sales pitch?
     Nah - we both know better - don’t we?

Your success depends, you think, are taught,
     on not listening to a single thing I say

So the next time one of your kind calls,
     I think that instead of hanging up,
     I’m going to stay on the phone
     and have a little fun – while you
     give me your sales pitch, I’m going
     to give you mine – I imagine it
     going a little something like this:

YOU     How’s it going today?

ME        Do you know Jesus?

YOU     Great.

ME        As your personal Lord and Savior?

YOU     I’m calling about your car warranty.

ME        Do you know where you would go if you died tonight?

YOU     Did you know it’s about to expire?

ME        Will you say the sinner’s prayer with me?

YOU     And for just another $3,000 payable over the next 3 years (plus interest, of course), you can       continue uninterrupted your bumper to bumper coverage (if, of course, you live in the northern regions of Alberta and have 10 children under the age of 4 and can prove that you never drove the car any faster than 20 miles per hour – you know – the usual stuff).

ME        Great.

YOU     So, how about I get my boss on the line.

ME        Just repeat after me: Dear Jesus

YOU     Do you have your credit card ready?

ME        I am a sinner

YOU     I’m sorry – what?  Yeah, it would be a sin not to get this coverage at this great price, wouldn’t it?

ME        without You, I am lost

YOU     Well, that’s nice of you to say – happy I could help.

ME        I invite you into my heart and into my life

YOU     Again, that’s nice, but I really don’t get down to Virginia much.

ME        Amen.

YOU     So here comes my boss.  You have a nice day.  And thank you very much for your business.

Who says Christians (even with bad colds) have no sense of humor?

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